Please review: Crazy Sexy Killer Vampire Zombie Clowns

[Hallvalla]

The title really says it all. Short script (less than 10 pages). A Halloween comedy. I've been out of the script writing game for a while, so this is a first draft I whipped up at work to get back in the flow.

http://pc.celtx.com/project/CL3iRweQHIT5

[Thinair]

unseen group from a dark corner of the club. - in a dark corner, reads easier.

The rest of the clubs patrons could care less about the joke. - ah, I've always wondered about this! That's correct US English isn't it? In the UK we say 'couldn't care less', meaning they've reached the bottom of their caring. 'Could care less' always suggests that they're still caring, to me But I think it's just a semantic style and is correct, right?

Your action's good, flows really well - good spelling and grammar too. Pleasure to read.

He face red, blood drips from his lips. - His face red

She has clown make-up on under the mask. - That looks exactly the same as the mask?

The clowns sit on couch - on the couch

I have to ask - were they your jokes? Heehee. They're good.

Love it. Everything from the name Johnny Johnny to the honking in bed. Flows nicely, well written, weirdly original. Nice short.

[Hallvalla]

Thank you, Thinair. Appreciate the review. Great suggestions. (well, and the text was a little sloppy overall).

The clown jokes are not mine. The opening monologue jokes (or punchline) I did make up on the fly.

Going to clean this up and see if anybody wants to (for free, of course) make it into a little short movie.

[Thinair]

I was thinking whilst reading that it's something that could be done pretty low budget except for the car scene which could get tricky if you want the whole cartoon effect - or make it a cardboard cut-out car.

It is good though, and doable.

[Hallvalla]

I think overall it would be pretty simple to shoot. One could even shoot the whole think in one location, like an empty warehouse with just a few props like chairs and a spot light.

The car scene I envisioned similar to what you suggested as being purposefully crafted - I saw it more as rear projection, but like your ideas too.

Thanks again. I have a few more short scripts I'll be posting soon. Do you have any scripts to review/view?

[Thinair]

Thanks for the offer, I'm good for the moment

Look forward to reading more.

[GreenEteaProductions]

I really liked this script. It was funny and weird as f*** lol A cool combo in my mind. It weirded me out but I laughed every minute. The stand up jokes were cool and the concept of rebuilding people into clowns was also cool. I was wondering why the jokes at the end made the clowns heads explode? Idk it probably isn't that difficult to understand I just missed it.


Oh and welcome back to the wonderful world of script writing lol

[sylko]

Around here, when someone desperately tries to be funny, we say that he or she has swallowed a clown!!!

This is obviously not the case for Johnny Johnny! Good jokes, great twisted story and at last the solution to get it of the clowns. I've always known they were pernicious creatures. Used to make me cry when I was a child.

Can't wait to see the movie!

[Teddy8683]

i also really enjoyed reading this.
wacky wacky wacky.
does make one wonder, though, where some of these stranger plots come from.
how's your relationship with clowns been over the years- no, wait. don't answer that.
maybe better just let your work speak for you.
the script was a treat though. a trick-or-treat, you might say.
obviously an editing or two is always helpful.
a little clarification and coloring in some of the under-described areas maybe.
all-in-all, i would call it a win.
personally i think the title smacks of a cheap b film yet this script could be produced, though cheaply enough, with a quality deserving of a stronger title. maybe that's just me.
your statements (somewhere along the way) regarding the set-in-a-box potential that you wouldn't be opposed to lead me to think that focusing on and highlighting the costumes and sound fx could give this a very distinctive flavor of it's own.
the honking gags were excellent.
i can imagine, easily, putting this into the dvd player and turning down the lights on a romantic first date. fun times, for sure.
nice work.

- ah, I've always wondered about this! That's correct US English isn't it? In the UK we say 'couldn't care less', meaning they've reached the bottom of their caring. 'Could care less' always suggests that they're still caring, to me But I think it's just a semantic style and is correct, right?

this oddity of english has crossed my radar many times.
i have little doubt that 'couldn't care less' is the 'correct' form of this expression.
that said, as an expression it has been subject to the same overuse as any carelessly tossed about bumpersticker-worthy one-liner or americanized mantra.
i've heard it used more regularly the 'incorrect' way, to the point that i myself often use some variation like 'could care less- but not much.'
i bet that a poll would come up with somewhat even-split results.
but i bet a scientifically engineered surreptitious observational experiment would show more of us could care less than couldn't.
however, a scientifically engineered surreptitious observational experiment may be more than anyone cares enough to do at all.
i wouldn't draw a red line through it under any circumstances- but that's coming from a guy who doesn't even capitalize properly.

[Hallvalla]

Teddy - thanks.

This script definitely needs some "coloring in". Loved that description, perfect advice. I wrote it in about a two hour spurt (at work!) one day. Haha.

As for the clowns (I will answer!) I really never liked them, but not too seriously. I guess they'd be fine if it wasn't for John Wayne Gacy. This script was hatched from a single imagined scene in my mind; when the floodlights get flicked on in the back yard revealing a mob of grizzly clowns - leering, sneering, licking their lips, silent. Haha. So for the script I just let my mind wander back to how this situation could've arisen - probably a different result depending on my mood. Crazy how that works.

[scenefucker]

LOL this is hilarious.

Good job!

You're a fast writer man, holy crap. And kudo's for writing this during work

[Anmari]

The title really says it all. Short script (less than 10 pages). A Halloween comedy. I've been out of the script writing game for a while, so this is a first draft I whipped up at work to get back in the flow.

http://pc.celtx.com/project/CL3iRweQHIT5

OMFG! That was beautiful. Fun, fast and perfectly imaginable.

[btimsah]

I liked it primarily because of the jokes and sweet ending. Good job.

[igobymatthew]

Aw, man that is such a great short story. It is tied together so well. I do not have any complaints about the plot or story at all. Would love to see it as a short. There is, i believe, some formatting issues.I could be wrong, I'm not a pro by any means.

It seems to me that the action lines are crammed together as if it was a short story, instead of a guide to a filmmaker. There is a scene toward the end were in one paragraph the sexy clown laughs, the window breaks, and johnny johnny visually checks it out. As far as i have been taught those need to be on different lines because they are going to be different setups/shots. There are many instances of this in the script.

I really loved the script, that's why i'm writing this. I can't say for certain but in my experience those formatting issues will make a spec script reader throw it out.
Best of luck
Matt

[jayrex]

The title really says it all. Short script (less than 10 pages). A Halloween comedy. I've been out of the script writing game for a while, so this is a first draft I whipped up at work to get back in the flow.

http://pc.celtx.com/project/CL3iRweQHIT5

I thought I'd read this script as it sounded funny and like you said, a Halloween comedy.

Firstly not bad for being out of the game for a while, pretty funny. I liked the jokes towards the end and the ending. So congrats.

Now I'm going to get technical.

You should always CAPITALIZE your characters even if they don't have speaking parts. This is because if your script is going to get made then the director needs to know how many to hire.

I never write using 'is' words as it slows the read down and makes a short read a lot longer than necessary.

E.G.

She is whispering into his ear.

or

She whispers into his ear.

I've cut 'is' and 'ing' out. Using 'ing' words sparingly. It's an economy of words. The less we use to tell the bigger picture, the quicker the reader will get through your story.

You have an overuse of wrylies. Things like 'To himself' & 'Scared' are not necessary as these are like directions for the actor and they can pretty much figure this out for themselves through the dialogue. Also, 'Smiling' should be in the action and not in a wryly.

When it comes to slugs, think large to small.

INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT

Then, as we've establish INT. & HOUSE, do

KITCHEN

No need to repeat yourself with INT. as one room after another is still internal. Also, no need to repeat NIGHT, or overly use Later. The chain of events will lead the reader to know that the scene has moved on.

There's a bunch of spelling errors in there and grammar issues too.

I can't tell you what I thought when I read:

Zombie Clown can't cover both his ears because of his missing arm.

As we've already established the missing arm already, no need to repeat and go over old ground. We already know. This needs to be rewritten.

Overall, the story's not bad, pretty good, just needs a rewrite to spruce this script up and it'll turn out to be great.

All the best,


Javier